How can I sit across the table and negotiate with my soon-to-be ex-spouse when I’m so angry at them or hurt by them?

It’s a tough thing to consider at the start of a divorce, when your anger at or hurt by your spouse is often at its height, how can you sit down and negotiate a settlement with them in the spirit of compromise and good will? It’s certainly understandable that you would feel like not wanting to compromise or that compromising would be essentially giving in and waiving the proverbial white flag. However, consider that if you’re one of the majority of couples who will be co-parenting children after your divorce, how can you possibly expect things to work if you can’t even talk to each other without fighting? Your kids, living helplessly in the angry drama and crossfire of your ongoing personal battle with your ex, will be adversely affected. How bad they suffer depends on how much you both drag them into your case by coercing and persuading them to take sides against your ex or feel sorry for you. Especially if you have children, you both have a deeply vested interest in learning how to keep your feelings in check during your divorce by any means necessary.

So, when considering whether or not mediation of your divorce will work at the outset, it’s very important to know that understanding your soon-to-be ex-spouse’s position is not the same as agreeing with it or caving in to their wishes. It’s also very important to know that, unless your spouse has stolen tons of money from you or has been found to be physically/emotionally abusive, they still have legal rights and the court cannot just strip them away to make you happy. Compromise is a necessary part of reaching a divorce settlement. Understanding your soon-to-be ex-spouse’s position leads to compromise and does not reflect weakness on your part or you sacrificing your wishes to accommodate them. The mediation process promotes an understanding by both parties of the other’s position which then leads to negotiations and discussions that result in a settlement that amounts to a win-win result for both parties. Many times, parties to a divorce just want to be heard and understood during the process. Mediation is the best process to allow for that to occur. Parties hoping for judges in a courtroom to “hear” them or “understand” them will be sorely mistaken. It is the rare circumstance where a court gives a party as much time as they want to be “truly heard” and have all of their issues presented in the fashion that they want. The time constraints placed on parties by the courts as well as the significant case loads judges have to manage simply don’t permit this occur. However, in mediation, parties are permitted as much time as they need to present their issues to a truly neutral mediator who can hear and understand them and try to help them reach a resolution that recognizes and respects their positions.