1. Speak to them as the parent of your children, not as your ex.  Try hard to put aside all of your feelings of anger, hurt, and frustration that you may have about your ex-spouse for what they may have done to lead to the breakdown of your marriage and talk to them as the parent of your children.  Looking at them as the father or mother of the your children provides you with a different perspective in how you communicate with them.  It frees you from the baggage of your relationship and allows you to simplify your communications.
  2. Keep the communication about the children child-focused.  The communications about the children should be focused on what is happening in their life- their health, safety, welfare, education, activities, etc.  It should not be about what you yourself want or complaints about how things are impacting what you want to do or that an activity is interfering with “your time” with your child.
  3. Keep the communication simple and fact-based.  Whether it’s in texts, e-mails, phone messages, or direct communication, keep your statements about the children clear and concise.  Don’t add snide comments or make condescending statements to your ex about how you feel about their parenting skills or lack thereof.
  4. Don’t use social media as a method of complaining about your ex-spouse and/or your ex-spouse’s parenting. Not only is it highly inappropriate to use social media platforms to air your grievances about your ex-spouse to your friends and family, those statements can be used against you as evidence in subsequent court proceedings about your children.  Even if you think you’re making statements in a private Facebook/Instagram group, those posts more often than not get back to your ex-spouse.  The damage caused by the violation of trust and how the derogatory remarks make the ex-spouse feel far outweighs any short-term benefit you might gain through venting your frustrations on those platforms.
  5. Work to keep the other parent informed. If you are the parent who primarily handles the school communications and your children’s schedule and activities, work hard to make sure that the other parent receives communications and is informed about what is going on with your children.  Even if you think they should take their own initiative to speak with teachers, doctors, coaches, etc. directly, don’t just sit back and say,
    “Well, it’s not my job to inform them.”  Not only does it promote positive communication with the other parent but, if they aren’t participating or otherwise attending activities and you have proof that you have informed them and do it consistently, it only helps in the event they try to return to court to increase custody or make false claims about you.
  6. Do not make derogatory remarks about your ex-spouse either to your children directly or to third persons while in the presence of your children. Remember that your children are made up of 50% you and 50% your ex-spouse.  When you make a derogatory remark about your ex-spouse to your children or they hear you say one to someone else, that is placing a tremendous emotional burden on them.  You may think that the derogatory remark is going to get your child to side with you or feel better about you, but that is not the case.  It places your child in a position of conflict and forces them to think, “Am I like my Mom or Dad in the way this parent is complaining about them?
  7. Don’t argue with your ex-spouse in the presence of your children. If you have a disagreement with your ex-spouse, don’t express that in front of your children and/or allow it to escalate to an argument in front of them.  Children hate seeing parents argue and it places a tremendous emotional burden on them.  They feel they are being placed in the middle and pulled on like a tug-of-war.  If you have disagreements, schedule a mediation session or have an agreement on how you will communicate disagreements with each other away from the children- set up a meeting place/time to talk; schedule a time to call when the children aren’t around.
  8. Don’t use the children as messengers for communication between you and your ex-spouse.  Once again, using children to relay messages to the other parent should be avoided as much as possible.  It places them in the middle between the two parents.  Even if it’s a quick message about a game time, or a school event, send a text or e-mail. Don’t put that pressure on your child to remember to communicate your message or how to communicate it.
  9. Try to agree with your ex-spouse to portray a unified parenting front to the children.  You and your ex-spouse will have different parenting styles and different beliefs on discipline.  However, post-divorce, it is very important to have an understanding with each other that, no matter what those differences may be, the children will be consistently parented between residences no matter who they are with.  This will take time and patience, but the most successful parenting outcomes almost always include a core understanding between the parents that they are unified in parenting the children together and that major decisions will be agreed upon and followed consistently by both parents.
  10. Find outside mechanisms to vent your frustrations about your ex-spouse that are not directed either at your ex-spouse or shared with your children.  Venting your frustrations about your ex-spouse is often necessary and appropriate in order for your own mental health and to be able to move on from the relationship emotionally.  Don’t direct these frustrations at your ex-spouse or share them with your children.  If you feel the need to vent your frustrations about your ex-spouse or talk about how they are making you feel, look for appropriate ways to do so.  See a therapist regularly.  Talk to a close friend/confidant- someone you know will keep confidences and won’t talk to others.

With respect to all of these points, mediation at the beginning of your divorce case can help you and your ex-spouse to communicate effectively with each other going forward about your children.  All of these topics should be covered in mediation when parenting/custody issues are addressed and a skilled mediator can be very helpful in setting up effective communication protocols and procedures with each other regarding your children.